Making Mother's Day special for someone who experiences facial pain

Celebrating Mother's Day with a mom who has trigeminal neuralgia or neuropathic facial pain can be complicated. But I remember a wonderful Mother's Day that occurred when I was ill. It was fabulous in spite of the pain, my inability to chew, and the fact that I was experiencing extreme social isolation.

My daughter and her husband came to my home. I didn't have to concern myself with facing the world, about applying cosmetics, or accomplishing oral hygiene. Dan, my son-in-law, brought food with him and prepared a meal for me. At the time I had not developed an allergy to eggs, and he brought "Pour a Quiche," which he baked in my oven. No chewing was necessary because I avoided the crust. I cannot remember the side dishes or the dessert, but I recall the meal was delicious.

After brunch, the family and I settled into the living room and watched a movie. I fell asleep while they were here, comforted by their presence. Comfort may be the best gift someone can give a mother who is experiencing unrelenting pain. It might mean letting go of a traditional Mother's Day and designing one to suit a mother's needs.

Simple things can be most important to someone who has lost much. If you would like to prepare a meal for a special lady you can find some "no-chew" recipes if you go up to the Google search bar at the top of this page.

Giving Mom a reprieve from social isolation is another way to bring comfort to her life. Although she may not be able to talk much, she can listen. You might want to read to her, a favorite poem, a passage from the Bible, or a written memory of a special moment you've shared.

Because people who have trigeminal neuralgia often depend greatly on their computers and the Internet, you may want to ask Mom if hers is in good working order. If not, taking care of maintenance is an excellent gift.

Most of all, don't underrate the power of touch. She'll like it if you gently squeeze her hand. If she has a side of her face that doesn't have pain, you can place your cheek next to hers. Many people who have trigeminal neuralgia crave touch, but they fear being touched in a manner that evokes pain. Quiet comfort is best. Too much noise, whether it's loud conversation, music, or television can create further neurological distress.

Invest time into finding the best card you can. It will linger long after your visit, giving Mom a reminder of your visit.

I'll always remember the tough years and how my family made the day special, tailored to my needs. My mother made the day about me, forfeiting her own desires. I love you, Mama.


Love is stronger than pain.

We'd love it if you share your desires or gift ideas with us.

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Loss Part 2: Initmacy

I can’t think of anything that affects intimacy as profoundly as face pain, especially when it affects the mouth. If someone can't practice good oral hygiene, romance or being close to someone may be one of the first things that go out the window.

So many times I have covered my mouth when someone has entered my home to speak with me. I try to be prepared, but surprise visits can make the Boy Scout's guide impractical. To get myself ready for planned encounters with others, I’ve used plenty of Biotene mouth wash. It’s made without alcohol, and it never bothered me to use it. Recently I tried Crest's alcohol-free mouthwash, and I was impressed. It costs much less than Biotene. The pain, though, was not nearly as acute when I tried the Listerine, so it’s not actually comparing oranges to oranges. There’s nothing, though, that compares to the old-fashioned practice of tooth-brushing and flossing. I have had months on end that my mouth never ever felt clean. I thank God that I am able once again to brush my teeth and floss.

The pain caused by jaw problems, trigeminal neuralgia, and neuropathic facial pain can stop physical intimacy dead in its tracks. In my opinion, there is nothing more romantic than a kiss from my husband.

How do you kiss someone who has trigeminal neuralgia? Very gently. If the pain is on one side of the face, approach from the other side. Talk about it if you are uneasy. If the person you loved has winced when you attempted a kiss, don’t take it personally. Your love interest may have looked as though he or she is a deer caught in the headlights. The thought of kissing can be downright scary for a person with facial pain. With conversation and tenderness, a way to share yourself with someone else is possible.

Nighttime caresses can also be challenging. I remember using a separate sheet and blanket. When my husband tugged on a sheet that we shared, it would sometimes brush up against my face. That’s all it took, brushing lightly against my face to cause the electrocution-type pains. The sensitivity to the pain and its intensity is almost impossible for others to understand, and that is a threat to intimacy of any kind: the loss of trust.

If someone doesn’t accept the plight of a person with facial pain, trust can diminish or even dissolve very quickly. I’ve never talked at length to anyone with trigeminal neuralgia who has not experienced fear of the pain. It’s important to talk about the fear and to be someone who can be trusted.

Sometimes people with trigeminal neuralgia have eye pain. It’s terrible. I remember feeling as though my eye would pop out. I didn’t want anyone or anything near my face. I didn’t want a hug, but I wanted to be close. My husband’s arm around my waist meant everything. A friend who put her hand on my back or shoulder instead of hugging me was cherished.

What do you do if there have been misunderstandings about trying to get close? One way to rebuild trust and intimacy is to practice touching with your friend, family member, or spouse. Another way is to communicate in writing if the person has difficulty talking. Send an email, write a note, use text messaging. No one wants to feel alone. Don’t let the pain win. Be close in spite of it.

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