Watching the river run

It's been a while since my last blog, but I've noticed a lot of Internet traffic and I want to stay in touch.  The past few months, I've experienced a lot of illness in my family. My mother has needed to go out of town frequently for urgent medical visits. My daughter had surgery, and my best friend was in a car accident that landed her in ICU. My husband has had some medical as well. Traveling out of town for our medical needs has been exhausting.

Being the caregiver instead of the person receiving care is new for me. I remember the days of horrific trigeminal neuralgia pain, the days and years that nothing helped the pain. My mother took care of me. She came over several times a day and ran my household as well as her own. Sometimes I saw her cry, sometimes I heard her prayers, and sometimes she squeezed my hand while the pain ripped through my face.

Because my mother has given me so much, I want to give back. She is strong, fiercely independent, and full of faith. But the past few months, I have seen her frailty. It scares me. 

No one can understand the emotional impact of caregiving until he or she has done it. My jaw hurts constantly, and it causes me to tire easily. It hurts not from trigeminal neuralgia but from a jaw procedure (functional jaw orthopedics) gone bad. It's something I want to address... one day.

I thank God for the opportunity to help my mother and my family. Knowing that each of us needs time to unwind, I welcomed the cool Florida weather today and managed to get outside. I sat in my front yard and let the wind whip my face. If you've experienced the TN pain that wind can evoke, then you know how wonderful it is for me to enjoy it. It's a blessing for which I thank God. 

I sat underneath my favorite tree, a golden rain tree. We planted it right after our home was built. It's past the golden phase and it's blossoms have turned pink. They're falling on the ground.

Across from my front yard is an empty lot that sits directly on the St. Johns River. I made myself a cup of Dunkin Donuts decaf, left the husband (a Gator game was on) and dogs inside, and watched the breeze blow ripples onto the water. For 30 minutes I was responsible for no one but me. And I thought of Loggins and Messina's "Run River Run," a song popular when I was a teenager. 

For as long as I can remember, the St. Johns River has been nearby. When I was in the Air Force, I longed to see it, even when I was stationed at a beach town. The river is home to me, and I can't imagine living too far from it. It's an anchor.

Unlike the ones that are attached to boats, our anchors should be free of weight. My number one anchor is my faith in the LORD. My second anchor is my family. Another anchor is the fact that my experience helps others. I'm humbled by the number of page views my blog receives and happy to see it reaching across the world.

Would you allow me a chance to get to know you? I'd like you to share with me the things that give you peace and stability. 

Run River Run

by Loggins and Messina

If you've been thinking you're all that you've got,
Then don't feel alone anymore.
When we're together, then you've got a lot,
'Cause I am the river and you are the shore.

And it goes on and on, oh, watching the river run,
Further and further from things that we've done,
Leaving them one by one.
And we have just begun watching the river run.
Listening, learning and yearning to
Run, river, run.

Winding and swirling and dancing along,
We pass by the old willow tree
Where lovers caress as we sing of our song,
Twisting together when we greet the sea.

Families and pain

What do we live for, if not to make the world less difficult for each other? - George Eliot

So much has been written about caregiver support and the stress of caring for someone who has a disability or illness. I am thankful to have a supportive family. My mom will drop everything to help me when the jaw and face pain is so terrible. She did the same thing when I was having pain from trigeminal neuralgia. Life would be so much more difficult without her, my husband, and my daughter.

It is not unusual for us to hear about the toll that an illness takes on a family, but I want to look at this from another angle. Let's think about the stress - stress that triggers more pain - that can arise from family situations. So many of my friends still have children in their teens or away at college. The process of individuation causes stress not only for the child who is anxious to leave childhood behind but also for the parents and siblings.

We hear so often that trigeminal neuralgia is a disorder that normally occurs at or after the age 50. Yet I hear more and more younger people with it, especially mothers with children at home. These mothers are charged with caring for their children, but this tremendous pain is difficult to understand. Consider how difficult it is for most teens to put themselves in their parents shoes. Is it possible for a teen to have empathy for a parent who has a mysterious and totally debilitating pain? I think it is possible. We all want to have our needs met, but what happens when the mother or father's needs have become so great?

Communication is the key to learning how to meet one another's needs. This issue is also at the core of successfully navigating through the individuation process. Growing up isn't easy, but having pain isn't easy either. Parentification occurs when children take on too much responsibility for meeting their parents needs. It can rob childhood.

Loss caused by pain not only affects the individuals who have but also has a great impact on those who love the person who has the disability. Discuss needs that have been created by disability as well as needs that are no longer being met. It can lead to a greater understanding of one another and acceptance of the changes. Solutions arise when people determine to find them, when they advocate for the family member who is ill and when they look for constructive ways to meet their own needs.  

There are no easy answers, but I really believe that love covers a multitude of sins. Speak love, even if it has to be written or put into a text message. Love is what I live for. It is stronger than pain.

How has love helped you through an illness?

Have you visited my website?